Four important years of my life!

I still remember the day when I had gone to Times of India for a job interview. Just walking inside the building, up two floors and then across a huge corridor full of journos was so overwhelming and intimidating. Honestly, I wasn't confident to make through. But when I stepped out of the building after the interview, I got a call that said, "Kalpana, you have been selected. They are ok with your salary expectation too. So how soon can you join?" I went numb for a second, my heart skipped a beat-- I got selected in TIMES OF INDIA, the biggest news daily in India!! Anyways, right after I made numerous calls- to my sis, mom, dad, friends and my excitement knew no limits.

Writing for a paper was always my dream and I didn't know it would come true so soon. I was in a different world altogether. Infact, I didn't know how to react to all this. Even after an year, walking down that corridor made me feel inadequate.. coz I always felt that the place was too big for me! I wrote for their Saturday glossy- Rouge and then Sunday glossy, Times Life. It was a different high that I didn't know I would be fortunate to experience!!

Anyways, I earned a lot personally too. I met Ratish there, we got married and even conceived my li'l angel!

Today I finally sent my resignation to my editor. God knows how difficult it was for me.. Not because I will miss people there but because I have a lot of history and important milestones of my life associated to that place. Something that will always be close to my heart. I know next time I come anywhere close to ITO, I will go down memory lane and relive all those moments inside my head/heart. To others it might seem like just another job that I quit but for me it was something that cannot be described in words.

I will miss walking down that corridor where helluva action happens all day
I will miss entering the room in the end of the corridor and receiving those warm acknowledgements
I will miss seeing my name in the paper, followed by numerous feedbacks on phone and email
I will miss seeing that pride in my pa's eyes when he tells someone 'My daughter writes for TOI'
I will miss responding to 'Where do you work?' queries with a 'I write for Times of India'
I will miss having those intense article discussions with my editor and the team
I will miss those birthday and anniversary celebrations with cake and pizza
I will miss that feeling of 'I am close to my ed, so you better behave with me' -- don't call it superiority complex but confidence that I built overtime, majorly with my work :-)
I will miss those brief Nescafe, ChaBar, CP, Khan Market outings
I will miss taking the metro to Mandi House and then bargaining for an auto to TOI building
I will miss Mani's food that was a high point of discussion always....

All am left with is memories. Now when I want to visit TOI, it will be with a purpose and after appointments. The same stairs that took me to my room will no more be mine... TOI is not my office anymore... It's just a memory that will go down with me :'(

The changed equation :(

Right now am hustling to get Thea in order and amidst all this chaos, there is someone I have almost forgotten. That someone who once was ruling my mind, heart.. my baby, Noddy. 

Unexpectedly, he is trying to adjust to all the changes. He doesn't enter the room unless asked to, doesn't jump at Thea, doesn't unnecessarily bark. Infact he found solace in our servant (his constant aide) or so we thought. Recently he stopped eating food and we rubbished it as an attention disorder. Our servant kept on feeding him with hand and that was enough for us. But recently he threw up all he had eaten and that was when we realized that something was not right. We took him to the doc and he was diagnosed of Gastritis. Never in the past has it happened that we missed any sign of discomfort in Noddy, but it happened this time. Poor baby must have felt neglected and did not even show any sign of aggression. 

I so feel guilty at times for not giving Noddy enough time and love, something that he truely deserves! :(

A better wife or mother?

Ever since I have stepped into motherhood, my love life (married life) has taken a toll. It started with sleeping in separate beds, then staying away and now with Thea's bed in between us, comfortably shielding any sort of intimacy left between us. And if this was not it, I have turned into this super paranoid, nagging mom/wife. The thought of Thea's well being is always on the top of my mind so much that I often don't mind my words before shooting them out. And the victim of this outburst is almost always my poor hubby!

But it's not only me. The burden of managing professional life and a demanding daughter is riding high on his mind too. The result: we both have forgotten those sweet nothings that make every relationship special. I was getting a little uncomfortable with this distance but had other worries clouding my head so never really paid much heed to it until the night of 31st March. Ratish had an important presentation with his Director and Thea was acting all cranky and weird. Honestly, I was tired of handling her all day and wanted someone to take her from me. And that someone was obviously Ratish. I didn't want to think that he was preparing for something big and pushed Thea onto him and went outside the room. I went back after spending almost 30minutes on the Web and saw Ratish struggling with Thea and his laptop. AND I didn't feel guilty. I instantly realized that something was not right. Till date, I had never underestimated R's professional commitments, infact they always dominated my mind. But this time was different. After he ended his presentation, I made him run to make her feed, which he did but spilled some of the formula milk. It irritated me to the core and I shouted at him. While sleeping, he demanded to prepare Thea's bed but I was not satisfied by the way he did it. And much to his disappointment, I showed him my displeasure. Then when she woke up for her feed in the middle of the night, due to the lack of balance of her bed, she rolled on one side and I again taunted Ratish for doing a lousy job. This time he didn't answer back, just smiled, adjusted the bed and went back to sleep. It was a moment that shook me! What was I doing! What was I making of our relation! Where had all the concern gone! Why was I being so insensitive!

Don't know what exactly was going on in his head but it definitely was not a pleasant thought for me. So the very next day I decided to stay at my mom's place for few days-- expecting that the distance will do some good. And I guess it worked a bit. For the first time in the last two months, I sent him an 'I love you' message today. He replied with a 'I love you too motu' instead of 'hows Pocket doing' or a smiley.. :))