Huh!

All along I thought that being a 'woman' is any day more advantageous than being a guy. I mean, you have all the required charm to get your way through difficult situations- you can choose to act 'hard' or soft with no one asking you to 'Be a man!' But honestly this all stands true only till you are probably unmarried or a DINK couple. Because once you plan a child, your life goes bust! Your body starts to push you down and you don't feel like going to work. The same ambitions that you once held high now start losing its sheen and you're ready to give up anything for the well being of the soon-to-be! Exceptions are always there. I do know friends who didn't stop working till the last day and ran back to work immediately after delivering. I don't know my stance yet. Though I do feel useless at times and it makes me look for my identity but they are all phases...

On the other hand, nothing changes in a guy's life except for those few gynae visits. You crib about the pain, about your insecurities, about your need for some extra valuable time and they give you a good hearing before picking up their phone to text a friend to make a plan. This can get really frustrating on days when you are low on patience and then you are accused of imbibing bad values to the foetus! Phew! A woman's life is quite complex. Just today we went to our gynae visit for an internal check up. The process was quite torturous but was it sane on my part to expect my husband to understand. Guess No! He tried some soothing words on me and then drove off to meet a friend.

This post is sheer venting out! Sometimes I feel frustrated on my decision to have a baby but then I think it is something one cannot avoid for long. But in exchange of this decision, I have put my life at stake! I am left with no personal life, no work life and it is all hitting back

How 'past' replays itself in my 'present'!

I remember how mumma used to tell me and my sister that those who indulge in 'FUN' during their early years have a 'SAD' afterlife, and those who do the right thing (basically battle it out for good marks, good image, help in housechores..) have a calm, blessed later years. I remember how I'd laugh off her logic back then thinking that it's her new antic to make me lead a boring life. (A boring life would entail not having great guy friends, coming back home before sunset, helping mom with daily house chores)

I pretty much sucked at leading this kind of boring life, while my sister mastered the art. But years later, I now understand what she meant. I had a sort of colourful but dedicated life, in terms of friends, fun (umm umm affairs). I knowingly as well as unknowingly kept the guy in my life on toes always. Leaving lose ends to discussions, not responding to tiffs, meeting at a time that suits me best.. In short, I used to be a selfish mate back then. At the same time, I used to find it amusing why it was so difficult for those guys to trust me. But honestly, I enjoyed keeping them hooked up all the time. But as they say, what goes around, comes around, I am facing the backlash now!

I always wished to have a peaceful married life. A life that has no place for doubts or any fling. Hence, I wasn't surprised when after marriage, my inclination towards the opposite sex (or their attention) went down to a great extent. This I believe is the start of a faithful and stable relationship. But my PAST is not ready to let go... in ways I am about to reveal.

I never understood before why staying in touching with an ex was such a big issue, especially when I SAY that am over him. BUT now when my husband stays in touch with his ex, I just can't tolerate it. Infact, it pisses me off to the core... And often leads to disturbing emotional outbursts..

My way of handling such mindless allegations in the past used to be by turning COLD.. coz the egoist me thought that when I am not wrong, then why fret! Sadly so, my husband has the same attitude towards me when I bring up such topics :( I can now understand how the guys in my past would just expect some soothing words from me but to put an end to their misery...

Another striking observation is how I would be secretive about my emails or chat list previously. Honestly, there was nothing serious to it, just that I was wary of some unexpected pop ups and didn't want uneasy situations. And today, when I voluntarily made my husband have my email ID configured on his blackberry, I feel like a total loser. Today I have no such premonitions, no fear of lost love popping up from nowhere... but when I expect the same liberty from him, he shies away...

Anyways, most answers to my insecurities lie in this post itself, but DIL HAI KI MAANTA NAHI! And guys a word of caution, be nice to your mate... coz it all comes back to you, maybe in ways worse than you'd imagined!

Mum's the word!

There are multiple things that err us regarding our parents but that doesn't make us love them less. On every little argument before marriage, I used to pray to God, 'Lord, I want to be with Ratish asap! My parents don't deserve me.' But things took a U-turn after marriage. Not only did my love for them grew manifold but I started to value their presence a lot more. Infact, I still can't forget how early morning or late night calls from them used to shake me with fear till few months after the marriage. Well, this post isn't about parents or parenthood but about my lifeline, My Mum.

She has taken life pretty casually. For instance, she dejected some very well to do same-caste sindhi proposals to marry Pa and came into a household that had the basic. She didn't know a thing about cooking and was pushed into kitchen management soon after marriage which she managed by hook or by crook :) Soon after I was born, she left home with the two of us in her arms after a tiff with my grandmom and went over to her sis's place. Things took a 360 degrees turn thereafter... There onwards, we became a nuclear family.

She has been managing work and home for close to 30 years now and still has 5 more years to go before her retirement. Being married myself, I can now understand how difficult it is to do the same, especially when you have two daughters and a super paranoid 'head' to manage. But that's not what she is all about- Even today when she's in the company of her sindhi side of family, she's like a mad house of fire. It irks me and my sis at times but we have realized it's her chilling out time. She takes a dig at almost everyone and often lands into a 'foot in the mouth' situation but does that change anything? No, it doesn't.

Now that I will soon be delivering and have happily convinced my hubbs to let me stay with her for few days, I can see a wrinkle of concern on her brows! She won't say a word, coz she never really has showed her emotions but I know something's bothering her. And maybe I know what it is! It's her casual attitude in life.

She never took seriously to grooming- coz her fairness cream and to the max a pack of foundation is all she needs to MAKE-UP :) But that doesn't stop her from noticing other stunning women her age and feel that something's missing...
She never took socializing seriously- the moment Pa, me and Pooja are around, her family is complete. I still remember how she would fret whenever someone came around meal time :D Not only that, my much socializing bee DAD used to catch up on his friends with excuses too funny to quote...
She never took cooking seriously- coz her 10mins dal preparation tasted as yumm as maybe a 30mins one! So why waste time...
She is a control freak and has her own SET of rules. The same stringent rules could never be justified by the Queen of our house and we almost everytime avoided confrontation. Coz the end result of any such discussion would either be her shouting at the top of her voice or sulking in one side of the home. So we avoided any such topic that rubbed her the wrong way. Mom's always right...

Anyways the reason why I went into past is coz this same attitude of hers has somewhere inside always made her feel inadequate! That's why she likes to be guarded and loves to be showered by compliments (Who doesn't) .. She's worked up on her culinary skills coz of my sis's and my in laws (mostly, son) visits and can manage pretty complex dishes now. But what worries her most is the fear of taking 'responsibility'. I know that during my stay there with the little one, she will be wary of what my in laws think about her managing skills and will always be too scared to go wrong.. Wish, I could just hold her hands and tell her that MOM WE WILL SAIL THROUGH.. but knowing her I won't confront... So here's a magical wish for you MUM that you will handle me and my newie in the best way possible and for years not only me but even your grandson/daughter will feel the SPECIAL TOUCH and pass it on to you... Oye NANI, ALL IZZZ WELL :))

In beauty and mediocrity!

When I met Ratish and when our wedding date got finalized, I often used to wonder if I will ever be able to share the same level of comfort with him as I do with my immediate family. The thought used to scare me and believe me, the first few months of marriage were challenging. I was always trying to look my best and do everything that was expected of me. But was I being myself then? No. I wasn't. And honestly I was struggling. Just as much I wanted him to be the perfect husband, he 'I thought' obviously expected me to be perfect in return.

But the layers came off soon. Atleast his did, when he started to kiss me right after waking up (without bothering about the bad breath) or when he started to wear the shabbiest of night clothes and did not expect me to mind. After all we were going to spend a lifetime together. For how long could we keep our masks on! But my mask still took some more time to come off! It was probably coz when it comes to relationships, deep within I am extremely guarded. I am always on my toes looking for signs that might drift the other person away from me. Hence, for obvious reasons I took a little long to realise that this is the man I will be spending the rest of my life with. He will love me through my best as well as worst. So when I was willing to give that levy to him, irrespective of his appearance, breath or attitude, I can 'with all authority' expect the same from him!

Here we are today! I am expecting and at my fattest BEST! The glow on my face has worn off and so has the shine in my hair :( (Docs say it is temporary) Anyways, we even go out to shop and I don't mind wearing my casual slippers. Because our relationship has evolved, happily so! I hope the love never fades out! I like it this way :))

Last few days!

Coming back to my blog after a looong time. Had decided to be regular but couldn't keep my words. The D Day will arrive soon and am nervous and excited at the same time. Have been dreaming, shopping and even talking to the li'l one (at last)... I can feel its movements inside. At times they are so strong that they scare me. I know he/she's also in hurry to come out :) But I just have one concern these days. Don't even know how valid my concern is or how well I will be able to handle it when the time comes, but it's definitely bothering me. And the name of that concern is Noddy! :(

He's so possessive for me that he doesn't even let Ratish hurt me or shout at me in his presence. How will this innocent baby of mine gear up to see a new baby in my life. Today I was dettol washing some old clothes that relatives have sent for the new baby (and some superrr cute ones that I bought). I was thrilled by the very sight of these tiny clothes drying in my balcony but then I looked at Noddy, unaware of what's going to come. He doesn't leave my side for even a second and a time will come when he will have to stay away coz of all that infection thingi :( Nodz been like my first baby. I can't just leave him on his own. Soon, he won't be allowed inside the room, the same place where he sees me sleep and wakes up with me.

Infact, I am noticing something strange in his attitude these days. He's become more protective for me. Lets me sleep for as long as I wish, curbing his hunger and needful walks. Don't know if he's getting hints or he knows that I need rest... Whatever the case be, I just want him to know that I may not be able to give him the same amount of time and shower him with as much love for sometime, but I will be the same mommy once his younger sibling is in a state to fight infections! I love you Nonz with everything I have! Muuuuah!