Paranoia!

I am a super paranoid MOM!! That's the conclusion I have arrived at...

For quite sometime I have been calculating the option of giving her top feed. I know mother's milk is best for a child but she's clutched on to me throughout the day and it's getting too stressful for me and also affecting my mental well being. Everytime I end feeding her, I feel like she's not getting adequate diet and it worries me even more. So to ensure that she's fed properly and adequately I want to add NAN1 to her feed.

Last night, we got so restless and got a pack of NAN1 and a feeding bottle. The moment I opened the bottle pack and put it to boil, I went through multiple emotions. For 17 days she was dependent on mommy for her feed and suddenly I was in process of preparing her artificial milk diet. It felt like I was distancing myself from her and it felt terrible. But still I went ahead and prepared the milk with tears in my eyes. I knew I would not be able to feed her with the bottle so passed her on to my mom. The sight of seeing her gulp down milk from the bottle was not a very pleasant one for me! And while my sight was glued on to her with my heart beating faster, I saw her throw up every drop of the artificial milk that she had taken. I jumped to hold her and make sure she's doing ok. I held her tight and saw her moving close to my chest. She wanted mumma's milk! MOTHERHOOD IS COMPLEX AND STRESSFUL but at times peaceful too :)

I hope we both pass through this phase soon and get to understand each other better!

When it rained today!

Thea Sharma was born on 7th February at 4.47pm. It was a tough delivery for me because I went through normal delivery pain for close to 12 hours and was then told by the doctors that I will have to undergo c-sec! One of my worst nightmares came true that day- All along I had feared this sort of delivery.. but that's past now. I have almost recovered from my c-sec pain too. But this is not why am blogging today.. I am at my mom's place and it rained today... While Thea was sleeping I was staring out of the window with thunders of emotions inside me!

This rain has always meant something to me! During school days, it meant saving my white dress from the mud puddles, then during college days, it meant a CP day out with my closest buddies. When I started working and had relationships, it meant going on long drives or simply enjoying my ride back home in a rick or bus. When I got married, it meant going out for movies with Ratish or simply enjoying the weather together. With Noddy, it has always been the struggle to make him feel secure (he's super petrified of the lightening) and NOW that I am a biological mother, I am having mixed emotions.

I am terribly missing Ratish and our time! I am missing all the freedom! I am missing all the fun I could have had in this weather and then when I look at Thea's face, I wanna hold her close to my chest and let her know that mom will not let this weather affect her and will make sure she's warm and cosy at all hours... but which one's a stronger emotion is something that I still have to figure out...

This post is a lot out of sync, coz that's exactly my state of mind for the past few days. Am not a bad mommy, just finding it difficult to adjust to this new life.. 'I' am lost somewhere.. Now before I break down YET AGAIN, ciaos!