I miss you!

You won't know why today I suddenly dropped everything that keeps me busy these days and sat down with you. I wanted to hug you, cuddle you just like old days, when nothing separated us! The tears in my eyes were of guilt... guilt of not keeping my promise of 'never' making you less important in my life, come what may. Noddy, I miss you.. I miss the way we were when li'l Thea wasn't born. When I never had to be careful of touching you or of letting you come too close.. Infact, back then if you didnt come too close, it used to bother me like hell...

You know when I was leaving for the hospital on 6th February, my heart was clouded by not just anxiety of child birth but somewhere it was worried about you. Everyone left to see us off for the hospital but I stayed to say goodbye (to you!). I had tears rolling down my eyes, because I wasn't sure how things would be when I'd return. I wasn't sure if things would be the same.. I was missing you so much that night.. I sooo missed you on innumerable occasions after Thea's birth.. and I do realise that I am not giving you your due.. but these realizations are momentary and then am back to what I do -- this makes me a bad mother.. Today I cleaned my room and despite knowing that you vomitted I didn't allow you to enter the room. I saw your hopeful eyes, yet they failed to melt me. I saw you turning around and moving away, yet I didn't call out for you! Gosh! Did I realize that you might want to be comforted.. The comfort that you never had to ask for before because it was always 'showered' before you'd ask... Then why suddenly have I forgotten our past and travelled so far in my present, leaving you behind... FORGIVE ME NODDY! I really really love you! :-* 

Four important years of my life!

I still remember the day when I had gone to Times of India for a job interview. Just walking inside the building, up two floors and then across a huge corridor full of journos was so overwhelming and intimidating. Honestly, I wasn't confident to make through. But when I stepped out of the building after the interview, I got a call that said, "Kalpana, you have been selected. They are ok with your salary expectation too. So how soon can you join?" I went numb for a second, my heart skipped a beat-- I got selected in TIMES OF INDIA, the biggest news daily in India!! Anyways, right after I made numerous calls- to my sis, mom, dad, friends and my excitement knew no limits.

Writing for a paper was always my dream and I didn't know it would come true so soon. I was in a different world altogether. Infact, I didn't know how to react to all this. Even after an year, walking down that corridor made me feel inadequate.. coz I always felt that the place was too big for me! I wrote for their Saturday glossy- Rouge and then Sunday glossy, Times Life. It was a different high that I didn't know I would be fortunate to experience!!

Anyways, I earned a lot personally too. I met Ratish there, we got married and even conceived my li'l angel!

Today I finally sent my resignation to my editor. God knows how difficult it was for me.. Not because I will miss people there but because I have a lot of history and important milestones of my life associated to that place. Something that will always be close to my heart. I know next time I come anywhere close to ITO, I will go down memory lane and relive all those moments inside my head/heart. To others it might seem like just another job that I quit but for me it was something that cannot be described in words.

I will miss walking down that corridor where helluva action happens all day
I will miss entering the room in the end of the corridor and receiving those warm acknowledgements
I will miss seeing my name in the paper, followed by numerous feedbacks on phone and email
I will miss seeing that pride in my pa's eyes when he tells someone 'My daughter writes for TOI'
I will miss responding to 'Where do you work?' queries with a 'I write for Times of India'
I will miss having those intense article discussions with my editor and the team
I will miss those birthday and anniversary celebrations with cake and pizza
I will miss that feeling of 'I am close to my ed, so you better behave with me' -- don't call it superiority complex but confidence that I built overtime, majorly with my work :-)
I will miss those brief Nescafe, ChaBar, CP, Khan Market outings
I will miss taking the metro to Mandi House and then bargaining for an auto to TOI building
I will miss Mani's food that was a high point of discussion always....

All am left with is memories. Now when I want to visit TOI, it will be with a purpose and after appointments. The same stairs that took me to my room will no more be mine... TOI is not my office anymore... It's just a memory that will go down with me :'(

The changed equation :(

Right now am hustling to get Thea in order and amidst all this chaos, there is someone I have almost forgotten. That someone who once was ruling my mind, heart.. my baby, Noddy. 

Unexpectedly, he is trying to adjust to all the changes. He doesn't enter the room unless asked to, doesn't jump at Thea, doesn't unnecessarily bark. Infact he found solace in our servant (his constant aide) or so we thought. Recently he stopped eating food and we rubbished it as an attention disorder. Our servant kept on feeding him with hand and that was enough for us. But recently he threw up all he had eaten and that was when we realized that something was not right. We took him to the doc and he was diagnosed of Gastritis. Never in the past has it happened that we missed any sign of discomfort in Noddy, but it happened this time. Poor baby must have felt neglected and did not even show any sign of aggression. 

I so feel guilty at times for not giving Noddy enough time and love, something that he truely deserves! :(

A better wife or mother?

Ever since I have stepped into motherhood, my love life (married life) has taken a toll. It started with sleeping in separate beds, then staying away and now with Thea's bed in between us, comfortably shielding any sort of intimacy left between us. And if this was not it, I have turned into this super paranoid, nagging mom/wife. The thought of Thea's well being is always on the top of my mind so much that I often don't mind my words before shooting them out. And the victim of this outburst is almost always my poor hubby!

But it's not only me. The burden of managing professional life and a demanding daughter is riding high on his mind too. The result: we both have forgotten those sweet nothings that make every relationship special. I was getting a little uncomfortable with this distance but had other worries clouding my head so never really paid much heed to it until the night of 31st March. Ratish had an important presentation with his Director and Thea was acting all cranky and weird. Honestly, I was tired of handling her all day and wanted someone to take her from me. And that someone was obviously Ratish. I didn't want to think that he was preparing for something big and pushed Thea onto him and went outside the room. I went back after spending almost 30minutes on the Web and saw Ratish struggling with Thea and his laptop. AND I didn't feel guilty. I instantly realized that something was not right. Till date, I had never underestimated R's professional commitments, infact they always dominated my mind. But this time was different. After he ended his presentation, I made him run to make her feed, which he did but spilled some of the formula milk. It irritated me to the core and I shouted at him. While sleeping, he demanded to prepare Thea's bed but I was not satisfied by the way he did it. And much to his disappointment, I showed him my displeasure. Then when she woke up for her feed in the middle of the night, due to the lack of balance of her bed, she rolled on one side and I again taunted Ratish for doing a lousy job. This time he didn't answer back, just smiled, adjusted the bed and went back to sleep. It was a moment that shook me! What was I doing! What was I making of our relation! Where had all the concern gone! Why was I being so insensitive!

Don't know what exactly was going on in his head but it definitely was not a pleasant thought for me. So the very next day I decided to stay at my mom's place for few days-- expecting that the distance will do some good. And I guess it worked a bit. For the first time in the last two months, I sent him an 'I love you' message today. He replied with a 'I love you too motu' instead of 'hows Pocket doing' or a smiley.. :))

Thea- my creation!

Finally am getting a hang of 'it'! But it isn't easy. I so disagree with people who say that newborns are most predictable. They cry either for food, or if they want to be cleaned up and to the max it's their stomach troubles! So not true! They cry when they want to be burped, they cry when they want to be put to sleep, they cry when they feel hot/cold, they cry when they are not comfortable in their clothes.. These are the few of many reasons that I have so far figured out! It's been 48 days but I still face instances when she cries inconsolably and I am just not able to figure out the reason.

If she cries too much or spits out milk or doesn't sleep properly, I get super hyper and start calling all the pedia's on my phone to know what they have to say- I have this liberty coz my father in law has some good doc contacts. I get paranoid at any hint of discomfort that I see. I am sure all parents do so, or so I would like to believe. Recently I called up her paedia at 11 in the night when she spit out her feed just to be told that it is normal. Not convinced, I pushed Ratish and we took her for a check up. He didn't say anything but his frustration was evident :D He even jotted down symptoms that demand concern so we don't bother him as much! But will anything change, I don't think so.. Am a new mother and I don't want to take chances...

Just the other day I had conveniently tugged her close to my chest.. When in this position, she usually curls up her legs bending her back bone. I thought it was a Kalpz-Thea bonding time.. BUT thanks to my massage aunty, I got to know it could risk bending her backbone :(( Don't know what else I am not doing right :( If I search on the Web, I get sooo worried coz the number of fatal infant situations clash with how Indian kids are brought up.. I can quote so many such things :((

Anyways, we both are getting used to each other and it's like a new discovery every day.. There are days (hours or even minutes) when I miss my normal, carefree life but sometimes I just look at her face and her few antics that make me go awwwwwwwwwww! I have created this beautiful life and she means a world to me! LOVE YOU BEBU! 

Paranoia!

I am a super paranoid MOM!! That's the conclusion I have arrived at...

For quite sometime I have been calculating the option of giving her top feed. I know mother's milk is best for a child but she's clutched on to me throughout the day and it's getting too stressful for me and also affecting my mental well being. Everytime I end feeding her, I feel like she's not getting adequate diet and it worries me even more. So to ensure that she's fed properly and adequately I want to add NAN1 to her feed.

Last night, we got so restless and got a pack of NAN1 and a feeding bottle. The moment I opened the bottle pack and put it to boil, I went through multiple emotions. For 17 days she was dependent on mommy for her feed and suddenly I was in process of preparing her artificial milk diet. It felt like I was distancing myself from her and it felt terrible. But still I went ahead and prepared the milk with tears in my eyes. I knew I would not be able to feed her with the bottle so passed her on to my mom. The sight of seeing her gulp down milk from the bottle was not a very pleasant one for me! And while my sight was glued on to her with my heart beating faster, I saw her throw up every drop of the artificial milk that she had taken. I jumped to hold her and make sure she's doing ok. I held her tight and saw her moving close to my chest. She wanted mumma's milk! MOTHERHOOD IS COMPLEX AND STRESSFUL but at times peaceful too :)

I hope we both pass through this phase soon and get to understand each other better!

When it rained today!

Thea Sharma was born on 7th February at 4.47pm. It was a tough delivery for me because I went through normal delivery pain for close to 12 hours and was then told by the doctors that I will have to undergo c-sec! One of my worst nightmares came true that day- All along I had feared this sort of delivery.. but that's past now. I have almost recovered from my c-sec pain too. But this is not why am blogging today.. I am at my mom's place and it rained today... While Thea was sleeping I was staring out of the window with thunders of emotions inside me!

This rain has always meant something to me! During school days, it meant saving my white dress from the mud puddles, then during college days, it meant a CP day out with my closest buddies. When I started working and had relationships, it meant going on long drives or simply enjoying my ride back home in a rick or bus. When I got married, it meant going out for movies with Ratish or simply enjoying the weather together. With Noddy, it has always been the struggle to make him feel secure (he's super petrified of the lightening) and NOW that I am a biological mother, I am having mixed emotions.

I am terribly missing Ratish and our time! I am missing all the freedom! I am missing all the fun I could have had in this weather and then when I look at Thea's face, I wanna hold her close to my chest and let her know that mom will not let this weather affect her and will make sure she's warm and cosy at all hours... but which one's a stronger emotion is something that I still have to figure out...

This post is a lot out of sync, coz that's exactly my state of mind for the past few days. Am not a bad mommy, just finding it difficult to adjust to this new life.. 'I' am lost somewhere.. Now before I break down YET AGAIN, ciaos!

Huh!

All along I thought that being a 'woman' is any day more advantageous than being a guy. I mean, you have all the required charm to get your way through difficult situations- you can choose to act 'hard' or soft with no one asking you to 'Be a man!' But honestly this all stands true only till you are probably unmarried or a DINK couple. Because once you plan a child, your life goes bust! Your body starts to push you down and you don't feel like going to work. The same ambitions that you once held high now start losing its sheen and you're ready to give up anything for the well being of the soon-to-be! Exceptions are always there. I do know friends who didn't stop working till the last day and ran back to work immediately after delivering. I don't know my stance yet. Though I do feel useless at times and it makes me look for my identity but they are all phases...

On the other hand, nothing changes in a guy's life except for those few gynae visits. You crib about the pain, about your insecurities, about your need for some extra valuable time and they give you a good hearing before picking up their phone to text a friend to make a plan. This can get really frustrating on days when you are low on patience and then you are accused of imbibing bad values to the foetus! Phew! A woman's life is quite complex. Just today we went to our gynae visit for an internal check up. The process was quite torturous but was it sane on my part to expect my husband to understand. Guess No! He tried some soothing words on me and then drove off to meet a friend.

This post is sheer venting out! Sometimes I feel frustrated on my decision to have a baby but then I think it is something one cannot avoid for long. But in exchange of this decision, I have put my life at stake! I am left with no personal life, no work life and it is all hitting back

How 'past' replays itself in my 'present'!

I remember how mumma used to tell me and my sister that those who indulge in 'FUN' during their early years have a 'SAD' afterlife, and those who do the right thing (basically battle it out for good marks, good image, help in housechores..) have a calm, blessed later years. I remember how I'd laugh off her logic back then thinking that it's her new antic to make me lead a boring life. (A boring life would entail not having great guy friends, coming back home before sunset, helping mom with daily house chores)

I pretty much sucked at leading this kind of boring life, while my sister mastered the art. But years later, I now understand what she meant. I had a sort of colourful but dedicated life, in terms of friends, fun (umm umm affairs). I knowingly as well as unknowingly kept the guy in my life on toes always. Leaving lose ends to discussions, not responding to tiffs, meeting at a time that suits me best.. In short, I used to be a selfish mate back then. At the same time, I used to find it amusing why it was so difficult for those guys to trust me. But honestly, I enjoyed keeping them hooked up all the time. But as they say, what goes around, comes around, I am facing the backlash now!

I always wished to have a peaceful married life. A life that has no place for doubts or any fling. Hence, I wasn't surprised when after marriage, my inclination towards the opposite sex (or their attention) went down to a great extent. This I believe is the start of a faithful and stable relationship. But my PAST is not ready to let go... in ways I am about to reveal.

I never understood before why staying in touching with an ex was such a big issue, especially when I SAY that am over him. BUT now when my husband stays in touch with his ex, I just can't tolerate it. Infact, it pisses me off to the core... And often leads to disturbing emotional outbursts..

My way of handling such mindless allegations in the past used to be by turning COLD.. coz the egoist me thought that when I am not wrong, then why fret! Sadly so, my husband has the same attitude towards me when I bring up such topics :( I can now understand how the guys in my past would just expect some soothing words from me but to put an end to their misery...

Another striking observation is how I would be secretive about my emails or chat list previously. Honestly, there was nothing serious to it, just that I was wary of some unexpected pop ups and didn't want uneasy situations. And today, when I voluntarily made my husband have my email ID configured on his blackberry, I feel like a total loser. Today I have no such premonitions, no fear of lost love popping up from nowhere... but when I expect the same liberty from him, he shies away...

Anyways, most answers to my insecurities lie in this post itself, but DIL HAI KI MAANTA NAHI! And guys a word of caution, be nice to your mate... coz it all comes back to you, maybe in ways worse than you'd imagined!

Mum's the word!

There are multiple things that err us regarding our parents but that doesn't make us love them less. On every little argument before marriage, I used to pray to God, 'Lord, I want to be with Ratish asap! My parents don't deserve me.' But things took a U-turn after marriage. Not only did my love for them grew manifold but I started to value their presence a lot more. Infact, I still can't forget how early morning or late night calls from them used to shake me with fear till few months after the marriage. Well, this post isn't about parents or parenthood but about my lifeline, My Mum.

She has taken life pretty casually. For instance, she dejected some very well to do same-caste sindhi proposals to marry Pa and came into a household that had the basic. She didn't know a thing about cooking and was pushed into kitchen management soon after marriage which she managed by hook or by crook :) Soon after I was born, she left home with the two of us in her arms after a tiff with my grandmom and went over to her sis's place. Things took a 360 degrees turn thereafter... There onwards, we became a nuclear family.

She has been managing work and home for close to 30 years now and still has 5 more years to go before her retirement. Being married myself, I can now understand how difficult it is to do the same, especially when you have two daughters and a super paranoid 'head' to manage. But that's not what she is all about- Even today when she's in the company of her sindhi side of family, she's like a mad house of fire. It irks me and my sis at times but we have realized it's her chilling out time. She takes a dig at almost everyone and often lands into a 'foot in the mouth' situation but does that change anything? No, it doesn't.

Now that I will soon be delivering and have happily convinced my hubbs to let me stay with her for few days, I can see a wrinkle of concern on her brows! She won't say a word, coz she never really has showed her emotions but I know something's bothering her. And maybe I know what it is! It's her casual attitude in life.

She never took seriously to grooming- coz her fairness cream and to the max a pack of foundation is all she needs to MAKE-UP :) But that doesn't stop her from noticing other stunning women her age and feel that something's missing...
She never took socializing seriously- the moment Pa, me and Pooja are around, her family is complete. I still remember how she would fret whenever someone came around meal time :D Not only that, my much socializing bee DAD used to catch up on his friends with excuses too funny to quote...
She never took cooking seriously- coz her 10mins dal preparation tasted as yumm as maybe a 30mins one! So why waste time...
She is a control freak and has her own SET of rules. The same stringent rules could never be justified by the Queen of our house and we almost everytime avoided confrontation. Coz the end result of any such discussion would either be her shouting at the top of her voice or sulking in one side of the home. So we avoided any such topic that rubbed her the wrong way. Mom's always right...

Anyways the reason why I went into past is coz this same attitude of hers has somewhere inside always made her feel inadequate! That's why she likes to be guarded and loves to be showered by compliments (Who doesn't) .. She's worked up on her culinary skills coz of my sis's and my in laws (mostly, son) visits and can manage pretty complex dishes now. But what worries her most is the fear of taking 'responsibility'. I know that during my stay there with the little one, she will be wary of what my in laws think about her managing skills and will always be too scared to go wrong.. Wish, I could just hold her hands and tell her that MOM WE WILL SAIL THROUGH.. but knowing her I won't confront... So here's a magical wish for you MUM that you will handle me and my newie in the best way possible and for years not only me but even your grandson/daughter will feel the SPECIAL TOUCH and pass it on to you... Oye NANI, ALL IZZZ WELL :))

In beauty and mediocrity!

When I met Ratish and when our wedding date got finalized, I often used to wonder if I will ever be able to share the same level of comfort with him as I do with my immediate family. The thought used to scare me and believe me, the first few months of marriage were challenging. I was always trying to look my best and do everything that was expected of me. But was I being myself then? No. I wasn't. And honestly I was struggling. Just as much I wanted him to be the perfect husband, he 'I thought' obviously expected me to be perfect in return.

But the layers came off soon. Atleast his did, when he started to kiss me right after waking up (without bothering about the bad breath) or when he started to wear the shabbiest of night clothes and did not expect me to mind. After all we were going to spend a lifetime together. For how long could we keep our masks on! But my mask still took some more time to come off! It was probably coz when it comes to relationships, deep within I am extremely guarded. I am always on my toes looking for signs that might drift the other person away from me. Hence, for obvious reasons I took a little long to realise that this is the man I will be spending the rest of my life with. He will love me through my best as well as worst. So when I was willing to give that levy to him, irrespective of his appearance, breath or attitude, I can 'with all authority' expect the same from him!

Here we are today! I am expecting and at my fattest BEST! The glow on my face has worn off and so has the shine in my hair :( (Docs say it is temporary) Anyways, we even go out to shop and I don't mind wearing my casual slippers. Because our relationship has evolved, happily so! I hope the love never fades out! I like it this way :))

Last few days!

Coming back to my blog after a looong time. Had decided to be regular but couldn't keep my words. The D Day will arrive soon and am nervous and excited at the same time. Have been dreaming, shopping and even talking to the li'l one (at last)... I can feel its movements inside. At times they are so strong that they scare me. I know he/she's also in hurry to come out :) But I just have one concern these days. Don't even know how valid my concern is or how well I will be able to handle it when the time comes, but it's definitely bothering me. And the name of that concern is Noddy! :(

He's so possessive for me that he doesn't even let Ratish hurt me or shout at me in his presence. How will this innocent baby of mine gear up to see a new baby in my life. Today I was dettol washing some old clothes that relatives have sent for the new baby (and some superrr cute ones that I bought). I was thrilled by the very sight of these tiny clothes drying in my balcony but then I looked at Noddy, unaware of what's going to come. He doesn't leave my side for even a second and a time will come when he will have to stay away coz of all that infection thingi :( Nodz been like my first baby. I can't just leave him on his own. Soon, he won't be allowed inside the room, the same place where he sees me sleep and wakes up with me.

Infact, I am noticing something strange in his attitude these days. He's become more protective for me. Lets me sleep for as long as I wish, curbing his hunger and needful walks. Don't know if he's getting hints or he knows that I need rest... Whatever the case be, I just want him to know that I may not be able to give him the same amount of time and shower him with as much love for sometime, but I will be the same mommy once his younger sibling is in a state to fight infections! I love you Nonz with everything I have! Muuuuah!